15 9 / 2014
"Jesus knew everything Zacchaeus had done and still loved him. It didn’t change Jesus; it changed Zacchaeus."
13 9 / 2014
I have tried to be transparent in my conversations with people. It has disadvantaged me at times, yes, but I always find the response well worth whatever fact I had been holding back; that the taking leaps of faith with a friendship can do more in a moment than could a whole year of lunching together. I bring this up because of a question raised at church yesterday: “Why do you come to church?” and what I came up with was encouragement, corporate worship, and the best, accountability.
Accountability has been hard to come by over the summer until recently. Living alone presents challenges that one would never face were he accommodated by a friend and this is where transparency comes in with the hope that it would not hurt my friendships but rather encourage my brothers and sisters. I identify with the universal male. I struggle with lust, using my computer, my freedom, as an opportunity for the flesh (ref. Gal. 5:13) Having a thought—inception by Satan, if you will—that entertains itself until all reason is abandoned. In the moment it’s as if nothing else matters, nothing can stop this mental inertia gravitating towards sin. And living alone gave me the freedom to indulge in this sin, to the point where it could easily be multiple times a day; to the point where I drowned myself in it, numbed to God’s call of repentance, allowing dust to collect on my leather-bound Bible.
I am not joyful that I allowed myself be led astray, but I praise God for his allowing me to wander and do my own thing for a while and see that it is useless. It is one thing to tell myself that this sin is empty, that it will never fulfill, but after indulging time and time again, I can not only tell myself, but I can know it in my head and understand it deep in my heart that these temptations thrown at me are from the devil with a single purpose: to distance me from God.
There are sharp words in the Bible for those who wish to read them; “For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world by the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and are overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would be better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn away from the holy commandment handed on to them” 2 Peter 2:20-21
And one last word of encouragement to those fighting in the war against lust and pride, two of man’s greatest foes,
~No one but you Lord
Can satisfy the longing in my heart
Nothing I do Lord
Can take the place of drawing near to You
Only You can fill my deepest longing
Only You can breathe in me new life
Only You can fill my heart with laughter
Only You can answer my heart’s cry~
11 9 / 2014
Okay okay. I guess I should make this *my* blog instead of just a mashup of things I find amusing.
I’m really lonely. Really really lonely. I try to cope with it by calling up old high school friends at night, playing league with some guys, and occasionally inviting people over, but conversations end, games are won and lost, and people go back to their homes. I am left by myself in what becomes a cage, a prison. I have no one to see, no one to talk to, nothing to do. There’s nothing I can do, esp at this hour. I don’t want to exercise, I have no desire to sleep, and I don’t want to go to work either. I really don’t feel like doing anything, but I have to do all of them. Every day is a monotonous repeat interspersed with minor differences. Interactions with people bring my spirits up enough to enjoy myself for a while, but at this moment, it feels as if all has faded. The bond is withering, the brotherhood is disbanded, the connection is lost.
How pathetic is that. Really. As a Christian, I know what I should be doing: spending my free time with my Savior, worshiping Him from gladness rather than duty because He alone is the only one that can fill the void. The one that can turn loneliness to solitude, feeling forced into being alone to delighting in the quiet moments of my heart’s murmurs.
And yet sin is everpresent, always so real, so easy. Laziness is a sin and I am indulging in it by refusing to do anything productive, wasting away my life in a vegetative state, staring at a screen. How sad. Really, how pitiful: that sin can be tempting enough to just drop everything, all responsibilities, all cares, all schedules, and just do…absolutely nothing.
But alas. There is still hope. I’ll take a minute to read and get out my guitar and to whoever reads the following, I ask you to keep me accountable in my attitudes, my reading schedule, my unworthy relationship with our Creator.
~And as he stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ~
No matter the sin, no matter the attitude, we can always be free. We are set free by the sacrifice of Jesus. We are free to struggle how we may, for that is God’s sovereignty in allowing us to opportunities to grow, (even such as this) but however much we struggle, we are not struggling to be free, for we have been previously justified.
~Don’t stop the madness
Don’t stop the chaos
Don’t stop the pain surrounding me
Don’t be afraid, Lord, To break my heart
To bring me down to my knees~
And all God’s people said Amen.
11 9 / 2014
"It’s important to protect your heart, yet it’s also important to know when your heart is no longer a fortress but instead a prison. Guard it, don’t trap it; you will only know how to do that by the guidance of Christ."
11 9 / 2014
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy
because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless
and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that."
11 9 / 2014
- 1: what was that?
- 2: my shirt fell
- 1: it sounded a lot heavier than that...
- 2: i was in it